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Emotional: Because of these kinds of inner beliefs, the fundamental emotional state in which we exist is profoundly conditioned and altered. If, from that inner place, I view myself as worthless in a world that appears to regard me as unimportant and therefore appears to be fundamentally hostile toward me, there are definite feeling states that would arise out of that. Certainly anxiety would top the list as a chronic feeling state. Furthermore, if I believe everyone else holds my ‘worth' fate in their hands (because they have the power to grant or take away my worth), out of that is generated a deep feeling of powerless-ness about myself and the circumstances in which I find myself. Underlying all that is the rock belief that I am a nobody in the core of my being, a profound shame about me. To blunt the shame about who-I-believe-I-am, I engage in a coverup as a life style. But at any moment, I know it is possible that someone will see through the cover and reject me. With this always lurking on the horizon, I feel unsafe. Because I understand that who I am is a helpless, piece of nothing, that means that I can't do anything right. Because I can't, I am followed around in life with the guilt that anything that goes wrong is my fault. Out of all of this, it would make perfect sense that depression about who I am is the overall feeling of my life accompanied by zaps of anxiety about the lurking potential of being discovered as worthless. Underneath all of this is bubbling intense anger at myself and probably everyone I believe is in control of me and my worth in the world. Back To The Wounds |
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