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Behavioral: Obviously there are many ways in which this inner attitude and the chronic feeling states it generates effects our behavior. In addition to the lifestyle of ‘coverup' we have already mentioned, is to organize my life around gleaning the love and approval of and from others in any way I can. One of the main ways people attempt to do that is by doing everything ‘right', by not making any mistakes. The internal logic of this is, ‘If I am right or do it right, that means I am perfect. If I am perfect, that means that everyone has to love me as a perfect person. If I am not perfect, I am unlovable, so I must avoid ‘imperfection' at all costs. That means in this internal system, mistakes are not allowed. The easiest way to avoid making mistakes and to avoid the condemnation of imperfection/unlovable-ness is to not act at all. The internal logic of this is, ‘If I don't act, I can't be accused of making a mistake. If I don't make a mistake, I can maintain my ‘perfection' Thus, one of the most common alterations in behavior caused by the wounds of childhood is actually an inability to act. It appears as immobilization, an inability to make the most basic decisions in life. For some, it is so severe they can hardly get out of bed if they can at all. Or, the alternate lifestyle to this same inner belief system is to do everything ‘perfectly'. Usually there is some internal criteria that determines what ‘perfect' is. It usually revolves around what the individual believes others think is the acceptable outcome of every activity the person might engage in, the cleanliness of the house, the rigid and extra-ordinary standards of the outcome of a job, etc. But not only are these standards placed on oneself, they usually imposed upon others as well. For the person who operates according to this internal system, ‘Nothing is never enough', both for themselves and for others. Because this person is so focused on what others will think about them concerning their decisions and the outcome of their activity, that person is very connected with doing for the other to the exclusion of taking oneself into consideration at all. Again, this is driven by the intense need to be acceptable and loveable to the other person so there can be a sense of worth where there is none in the inner wounded place. The internal logic is: ‘If I do everything the other wants from me, then they will love me. If I fail to do something that the other person wants, then they will not love me. So, to avoid the sentence of unlovable-ness, I must do anything for the other that I think is expected of me. Thus, this person can only do for the other and cannot do for herself. If she does, she suffers enormous guilt/shame/anxiety. The person who wrestles with his inner wounded place of worth-less-ness is often a person who finds it difficult, if not impossible to accept a compliment from another. This is witnessed when such a person has accomplished something that impresses others (a job well done, a kindness to another) and the person or persons compliment him. The response to the compliment is a dismissal through a changing of subject, pointing out a flaw in what he did, a disbelief, an incomprehension that such a compliment is possible, valid, justified, real. Thus any sense of inner full-fill-ment is lost to that person. The initial sense of worthless-ness is enhanced and magnified because there is little or no inner experience of being filled by any thing that I do or happens to me. Another behavioral adjustment that can happen out of our wounded-ness is found in addictive behavior. Our definition of addictive behavior is anything that is used to cover up or temporarily alleviate the pain of our original wounded-ness. Addictions can be broken down into two major forms: addictive behaviors and the addictive use of substances. Examples of the first would be compulsive sexual activity, buying, orderliness, etc. The behavior which constitutes the use of substances to cope with the pain of the wounds varies from the compulsive use of food (too much or too little) to mind altering, chemically addictive drugs that range from alcohol to nicotine, heroin, cocaine, etc. Of course with this later group, not only does the person have to deal with what lies behind the use of these substances psychologically but they also have to wrestle with the very difficult added layer of the chemical dependency. Back To The Wounds |
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